He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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