i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
