If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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