Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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