I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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