Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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