Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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