Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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