I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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