some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Randomize
