I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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