The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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