In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
