dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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