You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
