hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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