Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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