Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
