If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
It's just like the Real World with babies
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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