you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
