No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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