My liver just broke up with me...
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
