he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize