A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Randomize
