a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
