I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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