some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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