If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize