Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(210): View more from Texas

i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation

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(785): View more from Kansas

Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.

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(563): View more from Iowa

oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents

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(505): View more from New Mexico

judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

And the results, officer?

(401): View more from Rhode Island

She's fucked.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great

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(443): View more from Maryland

I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.

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(253): View more from Washington

You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.

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