her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
