One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
