So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
