My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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