Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
