I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
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