So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
