so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
worst night to have a conscience
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize