A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
