I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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