I just gift wrapped bread.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
