Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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