Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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