At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
