It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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