so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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