i need an iv and a liver transplant
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
