why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
