I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
