i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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