please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
