Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
