and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I supernannyed him into submission
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
