You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
