So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
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