Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
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