We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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