She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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