he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
