he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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