I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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