Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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