you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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