HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
