And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
