My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
