It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
