I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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