my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I still have a little drunk in my system
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
