Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
