anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
